Yup

Wow it has been so long since I last wrote in here

So I wanted to procrastinate a bit and thought about writing some shit in here, lets go.

Life is going well, I'm finally eighteen years old, yet I feel completely the same. Everyone in my class have this mega-hopes they'll evolve when they get the 18 years old but iI'll assure you: the world still turns the same way, nothing happens!

I want so bad to write yet I have so little time (which I spend procrastinating or else because I'm really tired anyway). Hmm, at least I keep a record of every idea in notepads so I don't lose the inspirations and stuff. 

Also there are times when I just write not giving a fuck about anything but anyway

Oh fuck, now i have to prepare a presentation and Im so lazy geez



...One last thing, just a will-not-be-answered question: Just how do crushes work?

I've been having this hellish silly crush with this guy I don't even know about... I thought let it go (not the song) but it keeps coming to my mind.

Well this wasn't going to be a overly-sweet post and I shall keep it that way

Se yoou!

-

I was falling

All the way down. Into a city. Your city.

I was... Dreaming.

The city was... Trying to catch me? It's buildings were getting longer and longer, and bigger and bigger. Ground was coming closer. Really closer. Was I falling?

I could feel no air. My hair was completely static. My eyes were fixed on those enormous gray things people live in, with no colour, just gray. And I was approaching them, yet, couldn't feel it.

There was no music on the background. Nothing that could tell me wrong, nothing that could confirm I was the one falling, not the city the one coming. Coming for me.

Now they were starting to curve. Okay now this is not normal. Sky is supposed to be blue, not green. Buildings are supposed to be grey, not brown. They are supposed to be four-sided, not to have these... Tentacles? Why are they moving? Why are they going into the sky?

Windows are changing, they are contorting, like they are cramming into the structure, which is also being distorted, as if squeezing a cloth to get water out of it, but more naturally.

Now streets are as green as the sky, and are growing leaves. Windows now are wrinkles, and they seem to still have an order, yet they seem so naturally beautiful.

Sun is taking place behind all these, behind the leaves, shining as strong as it ever was. Before, I had it down, now I'm going to crash into it, It wanted to be both pitcher and catcher, and I was here the ball.

Architecture was now nature. The trunks weren't tring to pick me, they were trying to catch the sun, and caught the earth behind me instead.

Wait

Something is wrong, why am I now...

Do I have my foot on the earth?

Bot literally and in this dream?

A pair of seagulls confirmed it, with their cawing, they told me everything was a dream, there is no way this trees will ever become grey.

Yet... I'm here, in this cafe...

Sexual Orientation II

Then it came another question, this is much current actually.

Can a single person love more than one single person?

Because I mean, that guy is far in the past, but I'm still rather sure that if he asked me to go out with him, but as fellow boyfriends, the answer will be yes with no question whatsoever.

(But if its you, who doesn't know me who asked me out, I'll refuse his hand in that very instant to go in both your arms, really...)

Yes! These two sentences really summarize my feelings. So love has this kind of hierarchy? I wonder. Friends would be in the bottom, as you love them a lot but usually have more than one. Then there go best friends, which you may have one or two. Acquaintances are out of this pyramid and are the supporters of it: with no acquaintances you could never make new friends, nor new best friends. Everyone of these had started as an acquaintances, and a person who has none of them is in a really high risk of breaking the pyramid, as this is not really a pyramid but a cicle: friends come and go, and really few remain, so to balance the cicle you need new acquaintances to adjust the common lost of friendship you're doomed to.

Sorry,but friendship is cruel, you must know it. Even I had lost a best friend one time.

Okay so to not confuse you lets say you're watching that pyramid from the sky, so its kind of an square, then imagine a circle stream which is always flowing clockwise (anticlockwise does the thing as well)

Then friends are those fishes you have in the stream, you love them, and they are really colorful, or monocrhome, depending on the variety of friends you make. My advise is to have a colorful river, so that you can always find a fish that can understand the colour of your feelings, be it blue or green: its really difficult to always remain the same colour

I mean, hasn't your favorite colour changed since you were a child? Mine had, of course, and that is the main proof I have to stand up for a colorful river.

Then acquaintances are those people who enter daily, and go. Some call them tourist, but there are always a few cleaners and restorers within them. They always feed the fishes, as each conversation makes a bond between friends get stronger. Also, the pyramid needs to be kept clean if not your fishes will eventually die, the same way that ignoring your friends for a really long period may cause damages to your bond with them.

Thats why you need acquaintances. Fishes die, and someone needs to take them out of the river before you see it and get sad. And then, they may replace it with new fishes when you start to knew more about this fairly known acquaintance.

On some corners, there are what you may call family. Not everyone has them, as this pyramid may be conical or squared in the base, but having them cam make it stronger. Also, an squared pyramid is much easy to construct that a conical one (why if not Egyptians have built it that way. Egypt is cool, too cool to create the best pyramid in the world. Nevertheless, conical pyramids are also great, just love your pyramid).

Then, on the small island it remains in the inner part of the pyramid, you have best friends; fishes who really want to help you, and had found the way to live with you, and thus God gave them human flesh. (Yes I know, every friend and acquaintance have human flesh but when you're not even able to hug or cry on them, what worth has it even got?)

However, I still don't see a place for those lovers apart from the best-friends part. I mean there is no more space on the pyramid, and leaving them outside would be cruel. On the other hand, letting them hanging from the walls is even crueler.

You know, best friends and lovers are always in that small island.

Thought they are fishes anyway, and they do die as well. Problems, troubles, those things make them recover their gills, and they may die in their way to the stream, or become friends again

...Or even acquaintances

But they live for sure with your lover. Thats why your lover must also be your best friend: You may have that strong love for him, but if he's not suitable for the best friend island, he will either kill your best friends, or be killed by them.

And I'm pretty sure you'll prefer him to be killed, or his gills and scales returned if not, your island will perish, and so your soul will do.

So there you go, where the fuck is that separation? Nowhere. I can promise you I could live forever with my best friends, could live forever with a real true lover (if I had one) and the prove for it to be my true lover is that he could live forever with my best friends.

So that's it. Best friends and lovers are almost the same thing. One may say that you actually share a sexual attraction with a lover. But I can assure you I had felt a really strong sexual attraction for a best friend, and we remain as friends even now.

And love has the same shape in friends, lovers, childs, and pets. Love is the same in all of those because when you feel love you feel great and that's love main point.

Okay so it's already six o'clock and I have lots of homework yet to do. This entry will be published a day after I wrote it so... See you!

Sexual Orientation I

But why a his I mean, I am in no way trying to disregard women, her gender, or any part of their body. Girls, ladies, being feminine is in no way bad, thus please don't see this as a misogenist entry, but a guy with no idea about his sexuality tring to greet it.

As his face got deeper into my heart, I couldn't stop myself from nurturing it, more and more. Then, I realiced: To remove his roots meant to pull out my heart in an instant. 

Maybe it is that smell, which makes you feel save, those eyes, that can tear out anything disturbing, that warmness so calm that makes you so blind. That is why I love guys, (though this sentence is quite gay, hey! Today's conffessions day! (Enough double consonants in there?))

Why not pansexual. I mean, I think I'm really pansexual-mental at least I could love someone without taking in account being a he/she/them or whatever pronoun they feel like using. The think I'll never get is that separation between a friend's love and a lover's love. How many people had fallen in love with his/her/their best friend in the past two years: a lot. I include myself in that group too, I had a best friend whose arms were just all the time that hot. In both a sexual and temperature way, I mean. And his tummy, he was a bit chubby and at the same time really fit because of swimming. He had done swimming for quite a few years, so he was just so strong and huggeable at the same time.

I could still fall for him, I think sometimes.

But then you come into my mind and I forget about it. Really. I'm pretty sure you will be twice or more as warm.

The case is that why is it there this huge separation between a friend and a lover?

This best-friend of mine actually had a girl that had fallen for him. ACTUALLY we were both three really good friends and had this group of Viber where we talked really a lot.

So we were in fact both in love of him. And he, unexperienced in love (and has been like this up to now) did never realized this fact.

Even though it was so SO crystal white. I mean, I was cuddling with him for a whole film once and just said "Oh god you seem to be really happier than any other time in your life". I mean, really?

I just hope he doesn't read this and remain ignorant of it his whole life. Thought it certainly be interesting to see what face he will show when telling him of this. I'll think of it, for sure.

In fact this guy has a really interesting point in this new investigation of love attraction that a child of almost 18 years is about to start.

He has this flaviophilia which he auto-baptized and defends that he absolutely loves blonde hair. It turns he on and all those things.

But just why.

So that girl I mentioned before had the courage to tell him she loved him. I didn't saw his reaction, however, I can get an idea from what he told me later on, on a walk we took.

I really didn't know what to say on that very moment I felt... Cheated on, betrayed. She was my friend and even so she now says she loved me. What a huge fool. Now I will never be able to see her as my friend, anymore.

God my heart felt so shattered when he ended that sentence that I remained a full 600 seconds (5 minutes) without speaking at all. He is a great guy, I really mean it, really child and close minded in love affairs, but a great person nonetheless.

On the other hand now I was really confused on this matter, and it helped me a lot in a phylosophycal way on investigating love: why did he made a line between friendship and love.

Moreover, why did he attached love to a physical characteristic. Being blonde, does that mean I will never had not even a chance of wining your heart, just because of my hair's colour?

Of course that's far in the past and now I'm not that in love with him. But the same question keeps popping in my mind, and I'm still without an answer for it.

creational independence

I decided... This year, will be special.

Thus, the first thing was writing how special will it be.

And hope than when I see a star, for this text to be true

I'll plea.

Yesterday, I finally got to buy the violin, one of many things that this year will start. One of many things, this year, I'll become.

A week at much is what it is supposed to take. Will you like, the sound i will make?

Today, i don't feel as much romantic as in other entries, likewise, there is a huge pile of homework I should start taking care of before i kill myself.

It is 4:05 pc while I'm writing all this nonsense, and I'm sure you've already awake, what could you be doing, I guess... As your name disappears just a bit from that dark blue TL, I feel as recovering little by little my independence, and now both writing and music continue to flow.

Actually, there's a literature contest I hope to send some stories. I don't hope to win, of course, my only meaning to do this is to meet new people, who knows what sort of influence that day could have to my life? Could it help me divert from the rute knife?

Of course, I don't mean it in physical harm, just in a soul-sortofway (gosh being this introspectual is so hard (I mean introspective sorry)

Where will I be in 10 years? Proffesional pianist or violinist? Clothing designer? I just don't care while I can create things. I want to create, I now know that. I am a creator, and lots of stories, pictures, melodies can be archieved by me, I just know it. I don't want to be an spectator, I want to create for spectators to became creators as well. There are so many universes our soul can develope, yet so little people able to develope them.

I want to show them, how this young little guy is able to flee from love into creativity.

Love does not kill creativity. But so does some partners.

I need a partner who can help me squeeze my creativity onto a piece of paper, To help me with all my dreams, with the sole promise to do the same with his.

Or hers, who knows.

Well I don't, but still guess it will be a his, sorry dad, no biological grandsons from me!

But why a his

Okay I've been craving for an opportunity to search further into my sexual orientation I cannot stop me now. let's create a new entry for this shall we?

/V Diary

Okay so uhm i need to tell you this because its just making me crazy so

You know, i… Have a really strong crush on you

I know its impossible but in my heart there will always shine that spark of fire that burns me in such a tender way

I just need you to tell me that that's impossible. Just a “oh god stop dreaming you spanish dumbass guy” or a "stop messaging me you suck" would be fine. I need to cry this fantasy off somehow as it hurts so much…

Im writing this on a late night, when I'm still awake and just think and think about what would you be doing and how could I make you smile… I really want to know more about you however if I do so then the number of things that reminds me of your face will increase and I fear that the entire world connects to that bright smile you and just you are able to wear...

Its just so silly… Without knowing nothing about you I fell on this huge well, and just realised when I had water up to my neck. I dont want to drown so please…

Sometimes I also thought things like: Will there be university… College, whatever type of grant to go there and just meet him in real life and… Oh god and everything. I just hate this silly ocean that had to be precisely here, there are lots of worlds without water, look Mars! He would be so happy with a little blue in his surface. And then realized that if that came true possibly we wouldn't have been born so

And then hear your voice, notice your smell. You may have laughed at that sillyness of mine, and for a moment, I've made you giggle, and i would giggle too and then hug you as much as you would let me.

I’m pretty sure he’ll have a sweet smell, and not a really deep voice. English must sound so soothing from his lips now, there is always a voice speaking like that in my mind and it's just so annoying... Having a bilingual brain its strange, I can't even think if my english accent suits me or not, and ugh. I wouldn't like to make a fool of myself when we meet...

Ugh but why do I keep thinking about the same thing god

Lately, thought I usually put a great efford in recalling dreams to help my creative writing, I'm scared to do it… Im sure you were on my last dreams, just being by my side would be fine, each of us working in our respectives things. one and other sitting on the same sofa, with our arms touching while tipping. Im sure that you would help me find what my vocation is, I don't realize yet why, but I know it. My heart knows it, and I would just love to offer you a hand in any kind of anything you may need.

To greet you each day with a huge smile and a homemade dinner…

Did you knew I’m an awesome cook? The great problem is that neither my dad or mum like tasting new foods, so I can just cook for myself sometimes. Also the available food supply I can get with my money its not really wide, but well, making new things and experimenting with food is just so fun...

God if I continue I’ll really cry… For sure…

I dunno if this will ever reach you, i just hope I someday will be able to send this to you

So you can end this hopeless love story when you receive it.

Or give the small hope my selfish heart is craving for. But that would hurt you and I dont want to hurt you. Just a “no” would be fine… So please…

My heart much love so much to suffer… I cannot understand anything. Why. Why does it has to be you? Why does it have to defy the impossible? The irrational?

Love was so beautiful in those series, in those books,… Is this the real suffering they had to bear?

Just how would your heart sound? Is the only thing that I can think right now... How will my heart react to your heart, and what kind of melody would they made while together on a cold winter night...

You know, today's sky is so bright, and full of stars...

I just hope this love of mine doesn't leave many scars

Will I ever be able to create a home, ours?

My heart someday hopes to travel all those plane hours

And shine with yours, as those high stars.

Silly poem I JUST MADE BECAUSE YOU SAID NO one ever... Did... It...

Oh god just stop it.

///Diary

You know

I've got that felling of

"I wouldn't care to right know go in your search, search that place by your side which is empty. You may be miles away an entire ocean is keeping us apart, but I would dive all onto the bottom if I could find you there, no presion would break us apart once I reached you, I'm sure.

And I'm certain I would find the way down there

...You wrote that line and started to realize; you're in love with that person. But don't like it. You have thought of it many times, and it's just so impossible for the two of you to be together. For you, there's still one year to reach university, and you have to work so hard for it, what would happen if...

¡Nothing would happen! - You roared, to me. - I would do anything and everything so that those eyes feel no more loneliness, that nose has no more cold nights. Nose? Why the nose? You didn't even know, but his nose was really cute to you,

And then was his smile, but you thought every smile in the world was beautiful, well, at least 90% of them. So you decided to think about his jaw, and was also really cute.

God, why does everything has to be cute, you thought

Next diary would be something less sweet, I promise.

But if just this night I could get just one message from him

Now you notice. Each time you think about him, that feeling gets deeper. What was free and neutral starts to need his warmness, but that's just so impossible. At least, that's what you want to think. All those worlds in your head cannot be on pause anymore, they need to be moved

And thats what you'll do. Not for you, for them. To improve your writing quality, for them. So that your characters are more and more alive at each word you write.

See you.