creational independence

I decided... This year, will be special.

Thus, the first thing was writing how special will it be.

And hope than when I see a star, for this text to be true

I'll plea.

Yesterday, I finally got to buy the violin, one of many things that this year will start. One of many things, this year, I'll become.

A week at much is what it is supposed to take. Will you like, the sound i will make?

Today, i don't feel as much romantic as in other entries, likewise, there is a huge pile of homework I should start taking care of before i kill myself.

It is 4:05 pc while I'm writing all this nonsense, and I'm sure you've already awake, what could you be doing, I guess... As your name disappears just a bit from that dark blue TL, I feel as recovering little by little my independence, and now both writing and music continue to flow.

Actually, there's a literature contest I hope to send some stories. I don't hope to win, of course, my only meaning to do this is to meet new people, who knows what sort of influence that day could have to my life? Could it help me divert from the rute knife?

Of course, I don't mean it in physical harm, just in a soul-sortofway (gosh being this introspectual is so hard (I mean introspective sorry)

Where will I be in 10 years? Proffesional pianist or violinist? Clothing designer? I just don't care while I can create things. I want to create, I now know that. I am a creator, and lots of stories, pictures, melodies can be archieved by me, I just know it. I don't want to be an spectator, I want to create for spectators to became creators as well. There are so many universes our soul can develope, yet so little people able to develope them.

I want to show them, how this young little guy is able to flee from love into creativity.

Love does not kill creativity. But so does some partners.

I need a partner who can help me squeeze my creativity onto a piece of paper, To help me with all my dreams, with the sole promise to do the same with his.

Or hers, who knows.

Well I don't, but still guess it will be a his, sorry dad, no biological grandsons from me!

But why a his

Okay I've been craving for an opportunity to search further into my sexual orientation I cannot stop me now. let's create a new entry for this shall we?

/V Diary

Okay so uhm i need to tell you this because its just making me crazy so

You know, i… Have a really strong crush on you

I know its impossible but in my heart there will always shine that spark of fire that burns me in such a tender way

I just need you to tell me that that's impossible. Just a “oh god stop dreaming you spanish dumbass guy” or a "stop messaging me you suck" would be fine. I need to cry this fantasy off somehow as it hurts so much…

Im writing this on a late night, when I'm still awake and just think and think about what would you be doing and how could I make you smile… I really want to know more about you however if I do so then the number of things that reminds me of your face will increase and I fear that the entire world connects to that bright smile you and just you are able to wear...

Its just so silly… Without knowing nothing about you I fell on this huge well, and just realised when I had water up to my neck. I dont want to drown so please…

Sometimes I also thought things like: Will there be university… College, whatever type of grant to go there and just meet him in real life and… Oh god and everything. I just hate this silly ocean that had to be precisely here, there are lots of worlds without water, look Mars! He would be so happy with a little blue in his surface. And then realized that if that came true possibly we wouldn't have been born so

And then hear your voice, notice your smell. You may have laughed at that sillyness of mine, and for a moment, I've made you giggle, and i would giggle too and then hug you as much as you would let me.

I’m pretty sure he’ll have a sweet smell, and not a really deep voice. English must sound so soothing from his lips now, there is always a voice speaking like that in my mind and it's just so annoying... Having a bilingual brain its strange, I can't even think if my english accent suits me or not, and ugh. I wouldn't like to make a fool of myself when we meet...

Ugh but why do I keep thinking about the same thing god

Lately, thought I usually put a great efford in recalling dreams to help my creative writing, I'm scared to do it… Im sure you were on my last dreams, just being by my side would be fine, each of us working in our respectives things. one and other sitting on the same sofa, with our arms touching while tipping. Im sure that you would help me find what my vocation is, I don't realize yet why, but I know it. My heart knows it, and I would just love to offer you a hand in any kind of anything you may need.

To greet you each day with a huge smile and a homemade dinner…

Did you knew I’m an awesome cook? The great problem is that neither my dad or mum like tasting new foods, so I can just cook for myself sometimes. Also the available food supply I can get with my money its not really wide, but well, making new things and experimenting with food is just so fun...

God if I continue I’ll really cry… For sure…

I dunno if this will ever reach you, i just hope I someday will be able to send this to you

So you can end this hopeless love story when you receive it.

Or give the small hope my selfish heart is craving for. But that would hurt you and I dont want to hurt you. Just a “no” would be fine… So please…

My heart much love so much to suffer… I cannot understand anything. Why. Why does it has to be you? Why does it have to defy the impossible? The irrational?

Love was so beautiful in those series, in those books,… Is this the real suffering they had to bear?

Just how would your heart sound? Is the only thing that I can think right now... How will my heart react to your heart, and what kind of melody would they made while together on a cold winter night...

You know, today's sky is so bright, and full of stars...

I just hope this love of mine doesn't leave many scars

Will I ever be able to create a home, ours?

My heart someday hopes to travel all those plane hours

And shine with yours, as those high stars.

Silly poem I JUST MADE BECAUSE YOU SAID NO one ever... Did... It...

Oh god just stop it.

//Diary

Repost this in 5 mins and you will talk to someone new and realize that you are a perfect match.

And so he reblogged it, hoping for that new person who will turn out to be his perfect match

But on the inside, he could only think about him. He didn't know what was that made his smile so bright, why was it that whenever he appeared on the TL, his heart was warmer and hoping for him to invade it, for him to be the only one whose messages reached him, such a perfect person to talk to such a common one.

Actually, he wasn't common at all, he had dreams, ambitions, a future he wanted to grasp, but everything was sometimes so hard. Why was he even trying to express this in a blog he would never read? Well, how could he know?

On the other hand, he was also afraid he might read this. Would he know it is him whom is referred this post? What would he think while reading all the spelling and grammar errors he had written? Would he think he's silly? Well yeah of course, such a perfect person to even message him was the greatest blessing God could ever give to him

But there was no God in his world, so, would he get that blessing without the blesser?

Who knows

But he always saved his messages, never responded them in case the would dissappear from his tumblr mail. He didn't really know how were they called, but in any case, he knew if someone read this, would know what he ment - corrected, "meant".

He then stopped to write and answered a few messages from his friends, wrote this, and then continued with what he was typing.

But had no idea how to continue it. 

He then remembered having sent a message to him, but of course he would not write here what it said. He was afraid of being thought of as a stalker, however, in his mind, he didn't reached that point. Of course, if he didn't answer that message, maybe everything would be better. But would also be nice if he just wrote a few words, just two or three would make him happy.

Now what would he do?

He came with the idea of linking this blog to his Tumblr. This first english blog, where he had to confront a non-native language to write about everything.

But if that person ever noticed him, he would need at least an almost-native english level to communicate. He will fight for that opportunity, if that really small chance actually was granted, he would work so that it isn't in vain.

Anyway, improving his english skills will prove useful in the future - he thought, still, his main aim was the first one, but he thought that with the "anyway" sentence he may diminish his stalker-complex. 

In all of this, he had to search for some english synonyms so that his writing didn't seem repetitive. 

And once he had written all this, he felt that burning sensation between his ribs had diminished, and settled down. Now he could read without seeing his face behind every letter, without thinking what will he be doing in this very moment, on the other side of that 6 hour wall.

To tell you a secret, I'll confess he had to search on his messages where was he from, and then had a bit of trouble with his poors geography skills - Which he thought he had to improve- to find his time zone. But he was grateful he saved all his messages - not only his, for the stalker-complex sake!- and could search there that little information.

Then - he should find a couple synonyms for that word, as well as for synonym itself: will there be a synonym for the word synonym? - He thought - if not, that word must feel so lonely...

With all that written, now he was certain he felt a tone better with everything, and decided to get some food. His mother had already eaten alone, and so will he do, while reading Homestuck.

Sometimes he thought how would everything be if that person was here, would he change somehow? "Well, I guess that of course I would have at least food with him..." And pressed the "publish" button, which was in Spanish and hope he translated it well, and hurried up to link the blog into his Tumblr page.